To question modern dating is sure to invite criticism. The practice is firmly embedded in our culture today. But in the scope of history it is merely decades old and former generations would consider it to be absurd-because it would certainly lead to premarital sex and unwanted pregnancies. 4 of 10 babies in America today are birthed to unmarried women.
Jesus said that to look upon a woman with lust is breaking the Commandment against committing adultery. Fornication is sex outside of marriage, but adultery is being unfaithful to the marriage covenant. Consider that an unmarried person having sex outside of marriage is both committing fornication and adultery. Why adultery? Because that person is being unfaithful to their future mate whom they have not met and married yet. God gave the gift of virginity to be shared at the consummation of marriage. Let me be clear in that I believe that it is perfectly fine and appropriate for a group of young people to do things together -it is when two pair up and spend time as a couple that problems arise.
True Christians are called "children of faith" and the Bible says we are to live by faith. This means that being faithful stretches beyond being true and trustworthy to some "thing" or some "institution." It means that you, yourself are faithful, and that you live out your faithfulness as a way of life. Christians are betrothed as the bride of Christ, but the marriage and the marriage banquet is yet future. Though our marriage is yet future our promised Bride Groom demands that we remain pure and undefiled as we await that day. The Scriptures say that He is preparing a place for us, and we are to be making ourselves ready for Him when He comes. We are not to be giving our affections to others in the meantime. Modern dating does not paint this picture.
Dating violates the culture of Heaven and its King. God chose a bride for His Son (Eph 1/ 2 Cor 11) Abraham’s servant chose a wife for Isaac, whom we are named after. (Romans 9:7) In the cases where marriages among God’s people were not arranged by family, a man would ask the woman’s father for her hand and if agreed a betrothal or courtship period began. There is no pattern of recreational dating among God’s chosen in the Bible, but there is a demand for people to enter marriage as virgins, -"Suppose a man marries a young woman and later he decides he doesn't want her. So he makes up false charges against her, accusing her of not being a virgin when they got married. If this happens, the young woman's parents are to take the blood-stained wedding sheet that proves she was a virgin, and they are to show it in court to the town leaders. Her father will say to them, ‘I gave my daughter to this man in marriage, and now he doesn't want her. He has made false charges against her, saying that she was not a virgin when he married her. But here is the proof that my daughter was a virgin; look at the bloodstains on the wedding sheet!’ Then the town leaders are to take the husband and beat him. They are also to fine him a hundred pieces of silver and give the money to the young woman's father, because the man has brought disgrace on an Israelite woman. Moreover, she will continue to be his wife, and he can never divorce her as long as he lives. But if the charge is true and there is no proof that she was a virgin, then they are to take her out to the entrance of her father's house, where the men of her city are to stone her to death. She has done a shameful thing among our people by having intercourse before she was married, while she was still living in her father's house. In this way you will get rid of this evil." (Deut. 22:13-21) GNT
As Christians we understand that a Law to execute a sentence of death by stoning is not in our Covenant. But it’s clear that God expects those who enter into the marriage covenant to do so as virgins. Notice also that God referred to this impurity as an "evil" that must be gotten "rid of."
Dating is putting yourself in a place of temptation. We pray, "Lord, lead us not into temptation" yet run to it when we practice recreational dating. We run to a situation where we are looking at others in lust, surrendering to that lust to commit the sin of fornication and adultery, -"Each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished it brings forth death. Do not be deceived. . . Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above coming down from the Father." (James 1:15-17)
If anyone is determined to disagree and to argue in defense of dating, then that person must show that the practice produces good and comes down from the Father. Jesus taught that everything can be judged by the fruits it bears. We can look at people and things and examine the fruits that they bear, -"You will know them by their fruits. Grapes are not gathered from thorn bushes, nor figs from thistles are they? So every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot produce bad fruit, nor can a bad tree produce good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. So then, you will know them by their fruits." (Matthew 7:16-20) You will not find modern dating in the Culture of Heaven because it is not a part of God’s pattern of behavior. On the other hand, it is a part of Satan’s end time plan to kill, steal and destroy. The devil has long preyed on the innocent, especially babies as witnessed in the practice of child sacrifice in pagan worship.
What are the fruits of Modern Dating?
The fruits are only bad, there are no good fruits on the tree of modern dating. Most enter the dating scene while in High School as immature teens with no intention of being married soon, and are not financially prepared to provide for a family. Each January we attend the Right to Life March in Little Rock to make our stand against the scourge of abortion. There are always thousands there, mostly Christians. Lots of young people who practice recreational dating come holding anti-abortion signs. Yet the vast majority of women who get abortions consider themselves to be Christians. So what happened? Christianity teaches abstinence. Obviously, these "Christian" girls didn’t want to get pregnant-and the only way to do so was through sin. Sin found its opportunity in recreational dating. These girls put themselves in temptation’s way. Abortion is framed as a "women’s issue" but some men are deeply affected too.
Rudolf’s Story
"When my girlfriend’s pregnancy test came back positive, I felt extremely afraid. I was 20 and we’d been dating for two and a half years. The relationship, however wasn’t healthy. I was really insecure, jealous and selfish. We were constantly breaking up; we knew we weren’t good for each other, let alone good for a child. Both of our families were poor and I remember fearing that I wouldn’t be able to provide for the kid. I had no dad growing up, and I just kept thinking about how I didn’t want to follow in those same footsteps. I was worried about money.
At the time I thought the abortion was a mutual decision, but I wonder now if she felt differently and was just too afraid to tell me. I wish we’d had some time away from each other to think about it. We broke up about six months later, but the abortion haunted me for a long time. When I was younger I’d get high and think about the kid I could’ve had. It messed with me horribly-I felt like the biggest piece of crap in the world. That kid would be seven or eight now. What if they were a straight A student who went on to do something amazing?
How did my girlfriend and I get into this situation? It was from dating which in time turned us into a couple who thought that having sex was just what a boyfriend did with his girlfriend. For me, I just wanted to have fun and sex was a part of that. I see how reckless it was now. I knew then that together we were capable of creating a life. And I knew that if that happened our lives would have to change. But I didn’t want to face the truth, so I just put it out of my mind.
The abortion seemed to take all the joy out of my girlfriend’s life -she was never the same. Our society makes abortion a "women’s issue" but I can tell you that it has been a major issue for me too. When I see fathers with their children I am reminded that my child never had a chance to know me, and I’ll never get the chance to know my kid. It’s like my fatherhood was lost or stolen."
Amy’s Story
Amy began dating in High School and soon had a boyfriend. At first it was just flirting, holding hands and sweet talk, but it eventually progressed to kissing, then foreplay as they became more comfortable with each other. Dating by its every nature is progressive. People ask "what’s appropriate on a "first date, second date", etc. At age 16 Amy discovered to her horror that she was pregnant. She was terrified and wanted to keep it from her parents. It was as though every wall that surrounded her was pressing in and she felt that she must do something quickly before she started to show. To avoid the guilt and shame Amy made the decision to abort her pregnancy. She was a minor so she had to go before a Judge and make her case in hope that he/she would give her permission without parental consent. The Judge granted her permission and she aborted her baby.
Amy has deep regrets for opting for an abortion. "I didn’t want to think about it but I knew that I was actually hiring and paying a stranger to kill my baby. One night I was watching TV, and on the show a jealous mother was hiring a man to kill a teenage cheerleader to get her out of the way so that her daughter could get on the squad. I thought to myself how horrible that was-but then I realized that is exactly what I did -I hired someone to kill my baby. It was as if I had put out a contract on my baby’s life and hired a man to carry it out. Why did I do this? Because I was ashamed for getting pregnant. I didn’t want to disappoint my parents, and I was afraid of what my friends would think. I considered suicide, and sometimes wish that I had. But mostly it was because a baby would be in my way-I wasn’t ready to be a mother and I didn’t want the responsibility of caring for a baby. Also, in the back of my mind I should admit, that I wanted to keep dating. My boyfriend broke up with me when I became pregnant, but I wanted another boyfriend and I knew that some boys wouldn’t date a girl who had a kid. That’s so ironic now as I look back, because it was the dating scene and the idea that I needed a boyfriend that got me into the mess which led me to take my baby’s life. "
Christians should ponder about the very concept of "boyfriend-girlfriend." What does it really mean? One thing we know according to statistics, is that when a male and female become a couple they become sexually intimate with each other. Like God says, you can’t bring fire to your bosom without getting burned. When I began this ministry I had four of my five children still in the home. My oldest daughter was engaged to marry a Pastor’s son in Missouri. None of the four who were raised under my Pastoral care ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend, nor practiced dating. They courted to get to know each other at Church and in public settings. And when they decided they wanted to marry they counseled with the Church and set a date for the wedding. I have officiated the three who have married, and each were virgins. They each married in the faith and have strong and happy marriages. They are all active in our ministry and faithful members of Crusade Church. People tend to believe this can’t be done in this day and age, but it can. And if the goal of every Christian is to keep themselves sexually pure they should not run toward temptation, -"Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart." (2 Timothy 2:22) This is God’s way. Think about it- a recovering alcoholic should stay away from bars and any friends who would entice him to fall back. Someone who is trying to quit smoking shouldn’t keep cigarettes in the house or car because they would be enticed by them.
When a Minister says, "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride" it means nothing today. The average American has romantically kissed more than 15 people before they marry. The average American has had more than 7 sexual partners before they marry. In most every case it was through recreational dating. Everyone talks about making abortion illegal and I certainly would support that. But a law cannot solve the problem of immorality. Yes, we can teach our youth to obey God and to keep themselves sexually pure until they marry. But how will that really work if we fail to protect them from such overwhelming temptation?
Abortion-The Culture of Death
Since Roe vs Wade there has be 60 million abortions -there are about one million abortions in America each year. Babies killed by dismemberment by suction or instruments -some burned to death with a saline solution, and others by thrusting scissors into the base of the skull, spreading out the opening in order to suction out the baby’s brain. Most all these unwanted pregnancies are a result from the modern dating scene. Dating always escalates from simple fun to intimacy, to emotional pain, hardships and often death. Until this age of dating unwanted pregnancies were very rare. What do the fruits show? The god of death makes maximum use of dating.
About 93% of the women who have abortions do so for the sake of convenience - 25% Not Ready, 23% Can’t afford a baby, 19% Don’t want another child, 8% Just don’t want it, 7% Not mature enough, 4% Would interfere with School or work. 83% of women who terminate their pregnancy are unmarried. Social Media is filled with personal testimonies of extreme regret women experience from aborting their baby. So many women live the rest of their lives in hopeless despair and even suicide. It has driven some to drug or alcohol abuse. Men are the victims without a face or a choice. Most men agree with their girlfriend’s choice of abortion, but not all. Some experience the syndrome of "fatherhood lost" as Rudolf from Texas did.
Each year, between 800,000 and 1,000,000 unmarried women abort their babies, but there are more than a million and a half unmarried women who choose to give birth. So, about two and one half million unmarried women become pregnant each year in America alone. What are the fruits? Death to the babies for those who choose abortion. The rest are born into a home without a father, and usually into poverty. These babies are rarely raised by their mothers because they have to leave their children in the care of others to work. In the age of modern dating grandparents who have already endured the difficulties of raising children are subjected to the task of raising their grandchildren.
Rather than learn from the mistakes of casual dating, these single mothers continue to date often bringing strange men into the lives of their small children. There have been countless cases of these children suffering abuse, molestation and even murder by "mom’s boyfriend." Many unmarried mothers enter the welfare system which in turn places burdens on American tax payers who foot the bill for someone else’s lifestyle choices. Through dating the devil has lured people into temptation, lust, sin and death.
Let us consider the subject of recreational dating with an honest and open mind. And while we’re at it, let us think of all the people we know, perhaps even ourselves, who have practiced recreational dating and how it worked out. Almost all have deep regrets.
What do a couple do on a date? Sometimes they go out to dinner and then a movie. Sometimes they attend a party together. Sometimes it may be a sporting event and a dance as it was on my first date with Treon. Both of us were teens. In most cases both people are on the their best behavior and typically eager to agree. If one date leads to another and then the couple begins to date steadily, it usually progresses to premarital sex. When you put two young people with raging hormones together in a private setting the temptation will be too much. Put a boy and a girl in a car alone and say "be home by midnight" is a recipe for trouble. Of course the argument "why don’t you trust me?" is often asked, but the truth is most all wilt under strong temptation.
Consider that there are no good fruits. But there are sometimes terrible consequences, -unwanted pregnancies, abortions, betrayal and broken hearts. Do you know someone who suffered abuse in a dating relationship? Or became pregnant, had an abortion or birthed a baby to a broken home or a single mother? Do you know any grandparents that had to raise their kid’s kids due to dating? Do you know someone who became pregnant before they were financially stable enough to provide for the child? Single mothers often have to work more than one job and spend a considerable amount of time away from their children. And sadly, they miss out on watching their children grow up due to the responsibility of working.
After being burned so many times it becomes impossible to trust. Personally, I know of many young people who have gone from one broken relationship to another in the process of recreational dating. Young hearts broken again and again. Often very mean and hateful words are expressed which some never get over hearing. The purpose of recreational dating is fun, sex and companionship.
The motive for recreational dating is to have fun. A person will often date someone that they do not really know at all and have no intentions of eventually marrying. One of the goals of dating is to impress the one you’re out with, usually for selfish reasons. Men try to charm their date and women often strive to be attractive. Dating is progressive by nature. Each person has their own personal standards as to what is appropriate interaction and what is not on a first date, second date, etc., but both parties hope that they will become more and more intimate as time passes.
The problem with this is that there is no real commitment and the lives of those who date are littered with failed relationships and the pain that follows. By the time most people in America marry they have gone through a number of painful "divorces" without ever being legally married. They bring all this baggage from the past into their Marriage. The temptation to compare your new mate with those whom you were involved in before is extremely difficult to prevent. This can easily breed discontentment. Many face the end of their lives with a mountain of regrets. The best and only way a young person can prevent this is by living by God’s holy standard now. Many people are excellent daters. They have learned how to impress a date. But this is a "dating" behavior not a "marriage" behavior - it will not carry over into your relationship as mates.
You are Complete Alone
God made each of us 100% complete. You don’t need another person to complete you. Marriage is not 50-50 but 100-100. In Marriage, each person brings their completeness and joins it to one another. No one should marry because they feel needy, or feel incomplete. Your contentment, fulfillment and happiness cannot be dependent upon another person. Before you marry you are one, and after you marry you are still one. Marriage is not designed to make two, but to make two, one. Each person must be totally committed to the Marriage Covenant and fulfill their roles 100%. Marriage will never succeed where there is a weak commitment or where an independent spirit exists. A husband must love his wife as Christ loves the Church, lead her, provide for her completely and manage his household properly. A wife must honor and obey her husband and serve as his helper. This is God’s pattern for success. This is not to suggest that a wife cannot work or have a job, even a job which brings in more income to the family, but the husband is ordained with headship of his wife and family and is charged to manage it properly. See Proverbs 31 woman.
Consider the wisdom of God. Our Creator made Eve for Adam-the first woman for the first man. It was never God’s plan nor will for a man and a woman to date multiple partners before finally settling down and being faithful to a single mate. We find no practice of recreational dating in the Bible. When a person was of age and had a desire to marry, they along with family searched for a possible match. Even in recent history in America a young man and a young woman would engage in courting. The process of getting to know one another to see if they wanted to join in marriage. Recreational dating did not exist in the world until this present wicked End Time age. Dating is a part of the Devil’s plan to bring people to temptation in order to steal away their purity and innocence.
Why you do think that books are written explaining what men are looking for in a woman, or how women want to be treated - what sweet things they desire to be whispered in their ears? Men and women USE this material for their own selfish reasons and motives. They learn to act and say what they do, not because they are being honest and truthful, but in hope that it will bring them personal gain. Men keep whispering sweet nothings because they work for short term gain. These things are not called "sweet nothings" for no reason. It means that they are not truly spoken from the heart from pure motives, but, though sound "sweet", really mean "nothing." Women smile and flirt, entice with their eyes all for the same sad reasons. Women dress "for the occasion."
People who date usually begin at high school age, and date without any thought of Marriage. People who Court do so because they are ready to marry and are specifically looking for a mate who is also ready. The Bible teaches that the Church is the future Bride of Jesus Christ, and that Jesus has gone to prepare a place for His Bride.
You should never marry because you are looking for pleasure. And you should never marry for financial reasons. Momentary pleasures will fade with time and finances are extremely fickle and can change in the blink of an eye. Marriage should never be primarily based upon things or circumstances which can easily, and often do change. Unexpected things happen. The economy fluctuates and people lose their jobs. Sometimes a spouse gets injured or sick and can no longer hold a job. Like a sound investment in a new home, a good marriage will increase in value over time because it is not founded upon such loose sand. Momentary excitement and thrills will be replaced by deep commitment and a sense of oneness.
Deciding to enter into a committed relationship such as the Marriage Covenant is a decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly. "Till death do us part" is a serious commitment. Before we enter into our personal research for a perspective mate, which we will call "Courting" for lack of a better name, we should think long and hard about the consequences -Jesus called this, "Counting the Costs." Notice Luke 14:28-30, "For which one of you, when he wants to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who observe it begin to ridicule him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’"
50% of first Marriages fail, 67% of second Marriages fail and 73% of third Marriages fail. The statistics are no better in the Christian Church. The data reveals that instead of learning from their mistakes, most people repeat them. These numbers clearly show that most people entering into their first Marriage are only half committed, and the commitment to second and third Marriages are even less solid. We need to ask ourselves "WHY" so many failures? What is the real problem? Is it disrespect for the holiness of the Covenant itself? Is it personal selfishness? Is it ignorance about how day to day married life would be? In recreational dating people become accustomed for "relationships" to not last. Those who date usually have had many "significant others" whom they broke up with before they married. Broken relationships is all they have ever known. So, it’s near impossible to enter into the marriage covenant with a "for better or worse, in sickness or in health, and until death do we part" commitment.
Your decisions set the course of your life. Your tomorrow will be no better than the decisions you make today. Good decision making results from a process of reflection and discernment. Good decisions are based on sound and accurate information. You cannot make a good decision by listening to your head only or your heart only; both must come into the equation when you make any significant decision. Think back on the regrets you now have and analyze the root causes and the fruits that sprang forth. And above all, do all things God’s way and for His glory.
